Why We Keep Getting “Safe Spaces” Wrong
This post was originally published February 2021
From my Brooklyn corner of the unforgettable year called 2020, there were three terms that had heavy rotation in daily conversations: pandemic, unprecedented and the one you came here to read about— safe space.
First off, I take that recurrence as a sign of our collective EQ shifting in the right direction.
What I don’t take it as, is a sign that we’re actually united on what safe space means and looks like in action.
If you’ve got a few minutes (and the interest) to unpack this popular word duo, please pull up. Your attention and thoughts are welcome here. If compelled, for sure leave a comment at the end.
Photography by Micaiah Carter
Can’t get an answer without a question so here’s mine…
Many of us use the term “safe space,” to describe our events, our communities, our general intentions… but what do we all even mean?
At first it may seem obvious, and in some ways it is, but shit can get tricky when obvious is in the same room as preference that’s also in the same room as nuance.
See the thing is, safe space is BOTH uniformity AND variety.
Let’s explore.
Last year, during my yoga teacher training, some of the most standout lessons arrived during a Trauma-Informed Yoga training weekend where I was taught, under the leadership of Emily Pantalone, founder of Feet On The Ground, that one should NEVER label anything a safe space.
My brows raised higher than my hand and I was met with a gentle explanation...
“Because safety can’t be completely guaranteed from one human to another.”
Which is well, facts. Due to reasons like the overall unpredictable nature of life and because everyone pretty much has their own personal expectations around safety.
Now though this is all very true, it was also an answer very much steeped within the context of Trauma-Informed Yoga.
Outside of that, emotional safety is something many of us believe we can provide and/or be afforded. But are we in agreement with how?
For some, a safe space might mean the permission to flip the lid on our container of feels and allow whatever’s inside to pour out without censor, hesitation or the risk of judgement.
Photo by Daniel Dorsa
Photo by Arielle Bobb-Willis
The gag is… even with that release, others may receive whatever we just shared, however we just shared it, as a wall rather than a door.
Without up front clarity, one person’s hero can easily be another person’s villain.
Because for others, a safe space might mean things like say, muting the mic of a conflicted Donald Trump supporter, contemporary approaches vs. traditional or even welcoming unfiltered venting about the male species even if said male species is in the same Zoom brunch lol.
A safe space could range in values from privacy (think: invite-only platforms like Clubhouse) to exclusivity (think: Patreon or The Blacklist, an application-only financial social club founded by my love, Carl Joseph-Black) to homogeneity (think: my wellness family, Black Girl In Om).
One time, I went to an event identified as a safe space exclusively for women, yet… not even in the corner of my eye, but front and center of my eye was a heavily bearded fellow filming the whole shabang... without our consent.
When it’s like, yo, safe space for me could mean being able to exhale and reveal parts of myself without the male gaze and certainly without unconsenting cameras.
But here’s the hook: assumptions are the conclusions we come to in the absence of clarity.
We usually label something a “safe space” with the assumption that we’re all on the same page.
However, I think it’s the responsibility of the space holder, to define and share what that safe space will look and sound like (or in some cases, even smell and taste like!) so that people can decide in advance if there’s alignment.
And that goes for not only what’s welcomed, but for what won’t be tolerated!
A great example is my friend Mattie James who has a private Facebook group of over 6,500 members. When accepted into the group the very first sight is a bulletin with clear as fuck rules of engagement. I’d say this is Mattie defining her curated safe space. With permission, here’s an excerpt:
ONLY USE POSITIVE, OPEN & ENCOURAGING LANGUAGE // This has always been the theme of this group, so I wanted to make it a rule.
The words towards members of this group should always be positive, open and/or encouraging - even when we see things differently.
Anything other than that will be deleted and cause for likely removal from the group.
Here’s another example from newly rebranded Brooklyn and Oakland yoga studio, Arise:
This new identity symbolizes our commitment to continually emerge from challenges with openness. We honor and accept that some situations inherently require more time, attention, and surrender. And that there is always a way through. A way UP.
Our Brooklyn studio is simultaneously opening up alongside a sister space in Oakland, California. These two studios, linked by experience, social justice missions, forward-thinking, solution-oriented, and creative communities, commune with each other in an online schedule space. They’ll each have their own roster of in-person classes and teachers, hand selected for their commitment to serving our communities with heart, courage, leading by example in their own lives, breathing and teaching yoga as a practice that exists mostly off the mat.
Boom.
It’s impossible to identify every and any thing that might trigger an individual in your stylized safe space, after all the magical (and stressful) part of humans is the unpredictable nature of our feelings. But as online communities continue shifting from wide to niche, that level of intimacy requires more care.
If we put our focus more on preparation vs. intention, proactivity vs. reactivity, open communication vs. narrow assumption… our safe spaces will become just that.
